A splash of gangster 🥂
"I would never drink cologne. Therefore, I am not an alcoholic."
—Augusten Burroughs
> a fifth of vodka | bury me standing
Like so many others, I tried again and again to stop.
Yet I found myself again and again back at the liquor store.
Sometimes I was in the parking lot waiting for it to open.
As my plunge reached its deepest depths, I stopped loving everything.
- I stopped wanting to save the world.
- I stopped loving pearl-button shirts.
- I stopped caring about my achievements.
I stopped loving PBS and NPR. I stopped listening to sultry R&B with a splash of gangster. ♬⋆.˚🎧
By the time of my second DUI, I just wanted to return to the dust.
They talk about this dust in the Bible. It says we were taken from the dust.
And to dust we shall return, it says.
The scientists say we were taken from stardust.
Dust is a powerful metaphor for Oklahoma.
We had an ecological disaster know as the Dust Bowl. It wouldn't seem out of place in the Bible.
When the darkness of my drinking became darkest, I thought about how liberating it would be to return to the dust.
But I still wanted to die with pride, even if pride is a worthless emotion.
I remembered a book my brother and I had read about the Romani people of Eastern Europe:
Bury me standing. I can't live on my knees anymore.
I arranged with a man online to buy a gun.
Then I flinched.
What if the gun only disfigured me?
I cancelled.
But I still wanted to die.
- next time "I couldn't change if I wanted to."
- listening Bikini Kill "Carnival"
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